Namaste

ok, so this post is going to turn into a pity session so if you're not in the mood, just don't read this one. I have no clue why -but some of the pregnancy articles for "30 weeks" say that your old emotional highs and lows are going to start returning in your 3rd trimester because of your hormones, anxiety about the labor, your weight gain etc. And so of course, i do get in this depressed mode this weekend.

I went to the Decatur Yoga and Pilates Center this past saturday for my first prenatal yoga session.

Not only was it my first class i took pregnant, it was my first yoga session ever. (Unless you want to count the yoga class i took in college that i studied for and managed to get a B while my friend Ryan religiously copied my homework and managed to get an A - no i'm not bitter about that.... :)) Anyway, to say the least i was very intimidated in going. I didn't know anyone and I had absolutely no clue if i could handle the class. Plus, i have no clue why i only decided to start while i'm in my third trimester - i had 2 trimesters to start this!

I arrive - like an hour early -i told you i was anxious, the place is small but homey. of course lots of candles and incense, small statues of buddha lying around. The walls were multi color of calming lavendars and blues. I signed in and was told where to go. I went to the "zen room" with my little purple mat that i bought specific for this occasion, my little red towel and my bottle of water. Another girl was in the room so i sorta situated myself next to her. I tried to make conversation about the things we would need for class but she just kind of nodded her head and didn't really talk much more. Why was she so much cooler than me? hahaha - that's totally what i was thinking. i was the nerdy girl with the big *ss smile who smiled at everyone who walked into the room. i'm sure i had this look of "please be my friend" as people arrived. lol.

And so it started. I started comparing myself to the other preggies in the room - 5 of us total - and of course i'm the biggest one! Everyone was so fit except for this cute belly - i swear i was like a hippo next to all of them. I'm not even exagerating. Plus i'm thinking i must be the farthest one along - nope - i think i'm the last one along. I was so embarassed - it just made me wonder what people think of me. i know people have their own lives to worry about but i just wonder what people's first reactions are of me? do they think, "wow, she really let herself go?" This was the same thing i wondered at my 2 minnesota baby showers -especially the one for the adults. You know how aunts and uncles are, especially filipino ones. They can be brutal!!!!

Anyway, so we went around the room and introduced ourselves, how far along we were, where we were delivering, etc. I mentioned it was my first yoga session and the teacher was pretty surprised. I was surprised she was surprised. I guess most people who do this class do yoga regularly - i don't know. Other thoughts that went thru my head were that people were thinking "you can totally tell this girl doesn't do yoga, let alone exercise."

And so we started the session with low intensity stances - such as the downward dog. This is peace of cake for probably everybody. For me, it was a nightmare. A lot of your weight rests on your arms and hands - i am so out of shape it isn't even funny. When i first got pregnant, i was too nervous to do anything!!!! i was so scared of losing this pregnancy - this is my 3rd pregnancy and the first two resulted in miscarriages so with this one, i wouldn't let myself do anything strenuous. So there i was doing this downward dog, relaxing music in the background, the teacher talking in a calming voice, and me, shaking uncontrollably from holding all my weight on my arms. Of course this didn't help my insecurities i was feeling at the beginning of class.

We went through other movements and the teacher was always nice to come to me and position me correctly - this didn't bother me. i know people understood that i was new. i think i was just mad at myself for starting so late, for being so fat, etc. But i do have to say, as i was doing the poses, i would concentrate on baby and keep thinking, "this is for us, baby." I know a lot of things i do are for me, getting cute maternity clothes, getting a mani/pedi, etc, and this is one of the first few things that i truly felt was for baby and i.

Well then that thought made me depressed. Then i started thinking what a self centered b*tch i am for thinking of myself and not my baby all the time. arrrrggggh.

So this whole session, instead of feeling relaxed, and calm and better about myself for exercising and doing something good for 2 people, turned out to make me depressed that night! i mean, i loved the overall yoga experience and what the whole eastern thinking is about, but it just put my whole realistic mentality into perspective and i didn't like it. So, i don't know what to say. The teacher at the Decatur Yoga and Pilates place was great, the class was great, but for me, it just put my emotional state down instead of what i hoped i would feel when i left that class.

Namaste.